I feel like i am in a jail of fear, fear created by my thoughts, how do I get out of a jail I created myself?
In few months i am turning 21 years old and there's so many thoughts on my mind. Thoughts that keeps me up at night, i am constantly trying to avoid them but it's an inevitable action. These thoughts have allowed me to do some self introspection, they have allowed me to feel, question and be in touch with my emotions.
All these sleepless nights thoughts have made me fear the uncertainty of future and made me unease when thinking of my future. What is it the future holds for me? will i be happy? will i ever live out all my wishes, dreams and fantasies. Future is uncertain, this is my final year as an undergraduate, I fear the standards the society has made for recent graduates, I fear if i will be able to meet the expectation my parents have for me.
I live in constant fear, i am constantly running away, running away from my own thoughts. I have lived all my life certain of my future until now, I use to enjoy roaming around my head thinking about my future until recently, now all i do is run away from any form of thought that might lead me into thinking about my future. It is not my dreams of future that makes me fear but it is the uncertainty of future.
When i find myself thinking about my future it is a roller coaster of emotions, it all starts well with me feeling all hyped up and excited of what the future holds for me, it feels like a good summer morning, standing by the balcony watching the sun rise while listening to the sound of the waves of the sea and ends with a winter night near a fire reading a book but right after all that reality checks in when i start questioning myself, it all seems like i am in a horror movie with zombies ready to eat me alive. I fear the uncertainty, i fear my own thoughts. I want to get out of this jail but i need to find certainty.
“It's a dark place, not knowing. It's difficult to surrender to. But I guess it's where we live most of the time. I guess it's where we all live, so maybe it doesn't have to be so lonely. Maybe I can settle into it, cozy up to it, make a home inside uncertainty.” ― Nina LaCour