I am in a battle, i would have said it's war because i am constantly fighting but that would be too much exaggeration. I do not think i will ever find correct words to put this battle into words as it is difficult to comprehend. But here am I trying to find the right words, words that would not come as aggressive neither disrespectful, I am trying to not step on someone's toe nor get into someone's nerves.
For some time now i have been battling with questions, questioning my Belief, i have tried to avoid it but i am not getting anywhere. It would be great if I knew the trigger to this battle maybe that way it would have been easy to understand and come to a conclusion. Everyone might have a different explanation some might say it's growing up and finding myself while some might say it's the devil.
Looking back to how I was I can't seems to recognise myself, there was a time when it all made sense, when i would speak or preach without questioning. There was a time when i was HOT, when nothing could make me think twice nor divert my focus. I had a clear picture, vision and understanding of what my Belief was and what it meant to me. I had a broad perspective of what my Belief was about, what and who it catered. My sentiments were different back then but they seem to differ recently.
How do i put it in a way that everyone will understand it without judging or feeling attacked neither disrespected, because i am not writing this to disrespect anyone or any belief but i am trying to explain my recent sentiments probably there is someone somewhere who is having the same battle. I seem to be questioning a lot about my belief, i miss the times where i would talk about it without having a battle in the back of my mind. I miss those moments when i would think about it without having questions, when i fully believed.
I tend to make jokes about my recent sentiments but in a way when i am alone it makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed when I think of the people back at church, those who see the "warrior" in me and those who are believers now because of my words or actions, it makes me feel like a hypocrite. But what do I do? I do not want to have this battle, i have no interest in questioning my belief but it seems like i have no where to hide cause this battle follows me.
I am not enjoying this constant battle within me that always captures my mind, that finds a way into my thoughts and divert my focus. My mind is curious for answers, soul looking for peace, spirit searching for a place called home and my thoughts need to rest. I don't know how long this battle will last but I hope it will come to an end soon because i am tired i need to find peace and acquire answers to my questions.